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Lard is a popular lubricant used in lovemaking and a handy alternative to soap.

Most cosmetics contain lard.

Scottish lords were originally called 'lard', but this became 'laird' due to a typographical error.

Russians traditionally eat a knob of butter with their vodka. A similar custom could be developed in Britain, using lard as a compliment to a pint of lager. To save time when ordering this at the pub, one could (instead of saying 'lard and lager please') simply say 'larder, please'.

A block of lard makes an excellent skating rink for insects.

For an untraceable weapon during a murder or extreme bashing, use a block of frozen lard. Afterwards, it can be defrosted and consumed.

A vegetarian alternative to lard exists. it is made from crayons.

As an alternative to poncy french cheese, sprinkle chives over a block of lard.

'Chard' - cherry flavoured lard for kids.

'LLSD' - halucinogenic lard for hippies, briefly popular in '67.

'Alcolard' - a lard based drink, popular amongst yuppies in the '80's. If lard is unavailable, it can be simulated by mixing cola, Tia Maria, Advocaat and Baileys.

'Lactolard' - lard based alternative to milk, for babies.

A man was recently jailed in Namibia for illegally stockpiling lard when he was told by a friend that a hurricane was heading in their direction. Eager not to be left without his favourite foodstuff he bought all the lard he could find. This however broke one of Namibias oldest commandments: thou shalt not covet thy cornershops lard.

A well-known Welsh celebrity was recently arrested for being found in a compromising situation with a notorious prostitute. The much-loved entertainer, who cannot be named for legal reasons, admits 'doing' the old slapper, but denies using lard as a sex toy.

More global news as we get it.